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Archery

I stand like a quiver
One by one
Pulling the arrows
From the hole in my chest
Why is he leaving?
Why can’t they work it out?
Why now?
The hole grows
And grows
As I pull out more arrows
I hate you
I hate you both
I hate you dad
You ripped our family apart
This is your fault
Mutual decision my ass
I have finally
Directed my arrows
You deserve to be alone
You don’t deserve to have us
You were never there anyway
Nothing has changed
I have one last arrow
As the hole in my quiver
Starts to close
Change your fucking address
This home no longer belongs to you
You shouldn’t be traipsing
Through the halls of where you left
Of where you turned your back
This home is no longer your target
You dropped the bow
You never look back on what you walk away from
I maybe grown up
But that doesn’t mean
These arrows hurt any less

Stages

BEFORE
The first time we met
You took my breathe away
From across the room
I just felt an instant connection
When our eyes met
It was like how every love song described
By the end of the night
Our lips touched
Fireworks exploded
All felt right
Nothing could go wrong

DURING
We became inseparable
We became Siamese twins
Our hands were stuck together
The lacing of our fingers
Made others so very jealous

THE WRONG TURN
We made a grave mistake
I mean
I made a grave mistake
The decision to have sex
With you didn’t come lightly
You were the first person
I gave myself to
You took advantage of that
I was blinded
By the fleeting notion
You actually liked me

AFTER
I never realized
Realized how hard I fell
Fell for your lies
Lies that led me to sleep
Sleep comfortably in dreams
Dreams that soon became nightmares
Nightmares that would
Would lead me to hate
Hate myself for letting you inside
Inside my head and my body
The body I let give in too easily
The body I was saving
For someone to respect
Not to desecrate
I blame myself
But I will forever be furious at you
For taking and leaving

If You’re Into That Sort Of Thing

My entire life

I have read

The subconscious manual titled

How To Be A Submissive

This manual is great

Especially if you’re into

That sort of thing

I have had a

Few moments of clarity

When I was able to access

The secrets of a different manual

How To Be A Dominant

This manual is even better

Especially if you’re into

That sort of thing

But as I enter my

Mid-twenties

I find that I am 

Tired of just

Ambling through life

Averting eye contact

Being soft spoken

And saying sorry before asking a question

Or saying pretty much anything

I have a craving for

Something much sweeter

It’s the kind of craving

That no matter how hard you try

No sugar sounds appealing

So you eat everything until

The craving is gone

And five minutes later

The void that is your stomach

Starts yelling FEED ME

Like that dumbass plant

From Little Shop of Horrors

That yells at that poor kid all the time

So you keep feeding it

And feeding it

Until it is satisfied and

Finally shuts the fuck up

Until the next day

When you have the feelings

All over again and listen

To the dominance of your stomach

And submit to it

That is if you’re into that sort of thing

I have come to realize

That I am done reading 

How To Be A Submissive

I am ready to start reading

How To Be A Dominant

Even if I have to whip

Myself everyday into dominance

By way of…

Well you get it

Especially if you’re into

That sort of thing

This will take time

And with every

"I’m sorry for speaking to you and bothering you with my existence"

I will be angry

For submissiveness is not for me

And I cannot wait

For the days

When I have trained myself

To be dominant

This is great for me

Especially because

I’m into that sort of thing

Conversation With My Heart

My heart is screaming

Causing my ears to ring

As if I were standing next

To an explosion

This life is not my own

I am just walking through

The motions that

Make me sick

Day after day

I have become a zombie

My brain has been

Corrupted

By the social norms

Of having a steady job

Making a shit ton of money

Getting married

Having kids

And dressing up every day

To hide the unhappiness

The life I have been told

To lead has given me

This is not you

My heart cries

What happened to the girl

Who spoke aloud her dreams

The girl who never let anything stop her

The girl who stood up for her beliefs

The girl who never took anyone’s bullshit

She is gone

She has been swallowed whole

Drowning in the stomach acids

Of the belly of normality

She has let herself get

Digested and mixed in

With the mainstream bile

That all ends up being shit

My heart gasps

Causing shortness of breath

My chest tightens

And a headache ensues

As it anxiously screams

Here is my hand

Pull yourself out

Come follow me

Everything will be all right

Trust me

The rest will follow

My anxiety rises

As I realize

What I have let myself become

I start to panic

As I try to escape

I am being pulled back in

I am scratching at the stomach lining

Literally trying to claw my way out

Then relief comes

As I grab hold of my heart

I’m never letting you go

I shout

Please don’t let me

Go back there

My heart is finally silent

As it caresses me

In the warmth of my own happiness

Happiness that hasn’t been

Determined by others

Happiness that I created

Just for me

Third Time’s the Charm (Intro)

Not really sure where this is going yet and I know it needs serious editing, but I figured I’d share it anyway:

We all have that one person in our lives. That one person we know is too good to be true. Who makes you question all you know to be right because of the way they cast their light into yours. They way they always say the right and wrong thing all in one phrase. No matter how much we deny it, how much we don’t want to accept it, they will never stay. Not because they don’t want to, but because they aren’t meant to. This person’s presence, whether it be for a moment or years, impacts you so greatly, that for the rest of your life, you will have a connection to them; you will love them. Being one of the most omniscient beings, I understand this; I see this everyday in the work I do. For how many times I’ve seen it happen to others, I thought I was immune. I thought that not being human would leave me emotionless. I guess no creature can avoid loving, right?

I am not supposed to do this, to share stories of the souls in my company. Especially with those who are still breathing. For this story, I cannot tell it to those who don’t speak. Every word must be spoken with the utmost importance. If you are not willing to share what I have to tell you, I suggest you stop listening now.

I my very long life, I have met millions of people. Unfortunately for them, it is never in the best of circumstances, but I digress. I have met my one person. I have been following them since they were a child. Not for their life, but to see what they have done with the life I let them keep. A couple of times down the road, I’ve had to make them understand how precious they are, especially to me. We will come back to this point later.

By now you are questioning who I am and how I am able to stalk someone literally their entire life without them realizing. People know me by many names. The most popular one by far is Death. When I appear to people, I can take any form to make them amenable to join me in my travels. You will come to know me as three people in this story: Dr. Thanatos Erebus, Miss Mara Silence ; and finally, as myself, Joe Black, like in the Brad Pitt movie “Meet Joe Black.”

With the end of this lengthy introduction starts the story of Garret Smith.

It’s My Time

This is probably going to be long and drawn out, but I need to get this off my chest.

My dad and I haven’t always had the best relationship; we butt heads constantly about almost everything. With this being said, I know he loves me with all his heart and he has and always will want what’s best for me and of course I love him, even though I’m mad at him a lot of the time.

A little sidetracking in this story, but it’s necessary. Since the summer, my parents and I have been going to therapy about a variety of issues. For me in particular, I have a lot of self-confidence issues that have been plaguing me my entire life. I have always felt that being the nice guy and letting people take advantage of my kindness is the only way to have friends. And of course, one of the issues that come up when I talk with Bunny (my therapist) is the relationship I have with my dad.

My dad has always placed a lot of pressure on me to succeed in everything and in turn, I have placed the pressure on myself. In everything from sports to school.

The past few weeks, the pressure has increased significantly because with my completion of college, he has been on my back about finding a real life job. I understand that I need to do that, but asking me every day, 5x a day, isn’t going to make me find one faster. Just to clarify: I have a job, just not in my field of study. This has been putting a strain on our already tenuous relationship.

And today, he gave me all this information about grad school, taking the GRE, and all that good stuff. About 2 hrs ago, he goes to therapy and when he comes home, he wants to talk to me.

He tells me that yelling at me, talking at me, and saying things to me like “I am going to leave you and your enabling mother to your own devices so you two can struggle on your own” isn’t going to help me with anything I’m working towards right now. He said that he also understands that my working with Bunny to understand how to make myself happy and bring up myself confidence is what is most important right now; that he just wants me to be happy.

I don’t know what Bunny said to him or what revelation he had, but it’s going to make my life so much easier. It’s also the building blocks to having a better relationship with him. I can finally do all of this stuff on MY timetable, at MY pace. Even he said it, and I’m so glad he did: if I don’t go to grad school next fall, it won’t be the end of the world. He has finally realized that I need to get experience in what I think I want to do and be 100% sure it’s what I want.

It’s finally my time to explore me, to understand myself, the relationships I have with people, and build my confidence. Not to say I won’t be looking for a job and all that stuff. But like I said before: it’s going to be on MY timetable, NOT his.

Vulnerable Mornings

The alarm buzzes

Shaken from sleep

Jumping like a grasshopper

As to wake no one else

Just walking from

Bed to the bathroom

Thoughts start flying

School, stress, life

Anything and everything

This is when I am most

Vulnerable

Every day this is the

Routine

More like process

Mornings

More like Problems

I feel ready

Ready to show you this

This side of me

This side that is

Only seen by a few

A few who are near to me

Near to me by choice

By choice because they

Have shown me in some way

They won’t violate my trust

I want you to

Be a part of

That few that are

Few by choice

That I have allowed in

During my worst time

During vulnerable mornings

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